Review Outline:
1. I am reviewing the ice cream parlor Maggie Moo’s, which is located on campus.
· The source of my information is my own personal opinions of Maggie Moo’s and the opinions of mu audience.
· I will also be comparing other local ice cream parlors and how they are set up against Maggie Moo’s.
· My sources are credible and there is enough information to understand what’s being reviewed.
· I will establish credibility by using an appropriate writer’s perspective and appearing to be knowledgeable with appropriate diction, reasoning, and attention to accuracy.
2. I will be crediting the overall performance of Maggie Moo’s resulting in if Maggie Moo’s is “good” or “bad”.
· My thesis is reasonable when I define all my criteria for a good ice cream parlor and what is bad.
3. My criteria for my specific audience is the social atmosphere, service, cleanliness, and the overall taste of them ice cream being served.
· I will show support of my criteria with analogies and metaphors.
· My support will be sufficient, typical, accurate, relevant, reasonable, and logically sequenced.
· My criteria will be sequenced from least important to most important.
4. I will anticipate questions and refute or accommodate objections that people bring to my attention with my subject I am reviewing.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Criteria
Based off the audience analysis I did, I came up to the conclusion of four relevant criteria for my audience. Those four criteria are, the social atmosphere, service, cleanliness, and the overall taste of them ice cream being served. Social atmosphere is important for my audience since they are in the stage of there life where not only do they want to have a fun place to hang out with friends and catch up, but to bring a romantic interest in Maggie Moo's and not get a bad review the next day when their date is talking to her/his friends about how it went. Also social atmosphere is important because people what to hang out where their hangs are most likely to be, so when they walk in and they see a bunch of people they know they feel good. The service at Maggie Moo's is big on the list of criteria. No one wants to go into a place and get treated bad when ordering food. My audience wants someone nice and helpful rather than a grump who just wants your money and for you to leave as soon as possible. The criteria cleanliness is important to my audience because we do not want to be sitting down having a wonderful conversion and a cockroach come walking by. My audience does not want to eat in a place were they have sticky tables and floors that haven't been clean in weeks. Lastly the overall taste of the ice cream, my audience does not want to have to pay to eat something that tastes disgusting. My audience wants to get their moneys worth when it comes to the taste of the ice cream, if it is bad they want nothing to do with it. Those are the four criteria that are important to my audience and why.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Template A: Audience Analysis
For my review the audience is college students or families visiting the University of Central Florida. I am reviewing Maggie Moo’s which is an ice cream parlor, so students or families might be concerned about the sugar levels in the ice cream. My audience also values the cleanness of the parlor and service they are receiving. Since my audience is on the younger scale, they aren’t too concerned about the calories, but are concerned about the taste of the ice cream. Also my audience is concerned about the social atmosphere. They want to go someplace where they can have fun with friends or an intimate desert with a desired love interest. They also socially do not want to be seen somewhere not cool or looked down on. Right not in my audiences life they care entirely too much about how others proceed them and want nothing more than others approval. They do not want to be a social outcast, but to be accepted into every group with open arms. Unfortunately for some of my audience they care more about the way others do about them that they lose them self in the process of becoming of what others what them to be. This audience tends to go by trends rather than what they want to do or feel. They feel reassured by the opinions other people have about them. They are out of the stage of constantly disobeying their parents yet aren’t out of the constant strive to achieve social acceptance. The audiences friends are also interested in the same things, the basic trends of today in clothing, music, and they way the present themselves to others. If people that are consider in the social eye like to shop at one store than the others will begin to shop at that store. Not all people in this audience are like this, there are a few that go to the beat of a different drum. Those people have grow past those stages in life and are becoming an important individual in the community right before they leave to make a name for themselves in the business world. Though they might say that they don’t care about what people think about them, everyone has a small ounce of them that cares what others perceive us as. They might not act or dress like the mainstream crowd, but they deep down care about the opinions of what others think about them. They also care about what their individual group of friends’ think about them rather than the population at a whole. These are the values, social needs, and cognitive needs of the audience that go to Maggie Moo’s.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Commentary Thesis
The countdown of one minute begins. The adrenalin starts pumping in your veins. Finally there is only a couple of seconds left until you can sign up for your classes. It's time, you type in that first class and enroll, but when you make the final conformation it says the class is full. This happens to major of students at University of Central Florida, including myself, when it comes to the time for registration. Thousands of students every semester are unable to sign up for the classes required for their major because of the simple fact there aren't enough sections offered. UCF is over-enrolled at 6.8% now and is predicted to increase to 10.4% next year (UCF Enrollment Projections). Even though the enrollment is increasing, the student to teacher ratio is not. This problem is a very serious issue that is affecting numerous students now enrolled.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Commentary Outline
I. Introduction:
a. I will give an insistence when I notice the problem how we can’t get the classes needed.
b. I will then give an outstanding thesis that will give you insight into what this trend signifies.
c. I will then give you a summary of the questions and the significance of why the issue is important.
Questions:
Does this affect your graduation date?
Do you take classes not needed for your major just to get the hours required to maintain Bright Futures?
Why don't they open up more sections of the classes?
Does Bright Futures realize this is happening?
Can we add more students to the designated small classes?
II. Paragraph 1:
First Point: Does our constant growth of the campus contribute to this problem?
a. I will give statistics on how the number of students accepted keeps increasing.
b. I will give experiences and the statistical view of the student to class ratios.
III. Paragraph 2:
Second Point: Graduation date getting pushed back.
a. I will tell you about how I interviewed a group of people and asked them if this problem has happened to them.
b. I will also give research about how many people have been graduating after completing more than four years.
IV. Paragraph 3:
Third Point: How do others feel about this issue?
a. I will interview and give you the results on how students feel about this problem.
V. CLOSE:
a. In the conclusion I will repeat my questions introduced in the introduction paragraph.
b. Then I will state my results.
a. I will give an insistence when I notice the problem how we can’t get the classes needed.
b. I will then give an outstanding thesis that will give you insight into what this trend signifies.
c. I will then give you a summary of the questions and the significance of why the issue is important.
Questions:
Does this affect your graduation date?
Do you take classes not needed for your major just to get the hours required to maintain Bright Futures?
Why don't they open up more sections of the classes?
Does Bright Futures realize this is happening?
Can we add more students to the designated small classes?
II. Paragraph 1:
First Point: Does our constant growth of the campus contribute to this problem?
a. I will give statistics on how the number of students accepted keeps increasing.
b. I will give experiences and the statistical view of the student to class ratios.
III. Paragraph 2:
Second Point: Graduation date getting pushed back.
a. I will tell you about how I interviewed a group of people and asked them if this problem has happened to them.
b. I will also give research about how many people have been graduating after completing more than four years.
IV. Paragraph 3:
Third Point: How do others feel about this issue?
a. I will interview and give you the results on how students feel about this problem.
V. CLOSE:
a. In the conclusion I will repeat my questions introduced in the introduction paragraph.
b. Then I will state my results.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Commentary Letter
Hey Taylor,
I am so frustrated! I went to my advisor again and she will not over ride the My UCF system to get me in a Chemistry II lab. I know what you are thinking; didn’t I take Chemistry II a year ago? Yes, but I still haven’t been able to get in a lab. Not being able to sign up for the classes that are required is a real problem here at University of Central Florida. So before you decide to transfer here you should think about if this would affect your graduation date. To make matters worse I need 12 hours a semester to keep my Bright Futures Scholarship, so I sign up for random classes I don’t need so I can fulfill that requirement. Do you think you would take classes not needed to get hours that are required to maintain Bright Futures if you went here? Why won’t they just open up more class? That question puzzles me. I was talking to one of my science professors and he told me that there are 600 students taking the lecture class and they only offer 300 students a place in the lab. That is just crazy, how am I ever going to sign up for the lab when 300 other students are fighting for my same class? I also just heard that Bright Futures is only going to pay for enough credit hours that happen in four years while not you finish the requirements to get a diploma or not. So if I never get my Chemistry lab and go over the four years worth I won’t be able to get a degree because I was able to sign up for the classes I need. Does Bright Futures realize this is happening to the students? You know if we can’t add more classes why because of teacher cuts don’t you think we should add more students to the designated small classes? So in this case instead of only have 30 people in each lab we can add maybe 10 more for a total of 40. That would help a lot. This problem is going to make me be a fifth year senior out on loans just trying to get a chemistry lab. Hopefully I won’t end up being one of those old people that are in the class because I will never get special pick on getting my classes first. The worst thing of it all is that I can’t even sign up for classes yet and 5 of the 19 sections offered for the lab at this time are full. How is that even fair? You should really consider other schools first that have enough teachers or room more students before you decide on University of Central Florida. Taylor, I wish I never left Clemson University because I did not have this problem once when I was there. Every time I signed up for a class I got it. University of Central Florida really needs to fix this probably for the students so we can graduate on time.
Sincerely,
Kellsey
I am so frustrated! I went to my advisor again and she will not over ride the My UCF system to get me in a Chemistry II lab. I know what you are thinking; didn’t I take Chemistry II a year ago? Yes, but I still haven’t been able to get in a lab. Not being able to sign up for the classes that are required is a real problem here at University of Central Florida. So before you decide to transfer here you should think about if this would affect your graduation date. To make matters worse I need 12 hours a semester to keep my Bright Futures Scholarship, so I sign up for random classes I don’t need so I can fulfill that requirement. Do you think you would take classes not needed to get hours that are required to maintain Bright Futures if you went here? Why won’t they just open up more class? That question puzzles me. I was talking to one of my science professors and he told me that there are 600 students taking the lecture class and they only offer 300 students a place in the lab. That is just crazy, how am I ever going to sign up for the lab when 300 other students are fighting for my same class? I also just heard that Bright Futures is only going to pay for enough credit hours that happen in four years while not you finish the requirements to get a diploma or not. So if I never get my Chemistry lab and go over the four years worth I won’t be able to get a degree because I was able to sign up for the classes I need. Does Bright Futures realize this is happening to the students? You know if we can’t add more classes why because of teacher cuts don’t you think we should add more students to the designated small classes? So in this case instead of only have 30 people in each lab we can add maybe 10 more for a total of 40. That would help a lot. This problem is going to make me be a fifth year senior out on loans just trying to get a chemistry lab. Hopefully I won’t end up being one of those old people that are in the class because I will never get special pick on getting my classes first. The worst thing of it all is that I can’t even sign up for classes yet and 5 of the 19 sections offered for the lab at this time are full. How is that even fair? You should really consider other schools first that have enough teachers or room more students before you decide on University of Central Florida. Taylor, I wish I never left Clemson University because I did not have this problem once when I was there. Every time I signed up for a class I got it. University of Central Florida really needs to fix this probably for the students so we can graduate on time.
Sincerely,
Kellsey
Commentary Questions
My Questions:
1) Does this affect your graduation date?
2) Do you take classes not needed for your major just to get the hours required to maintain Bright Futures?
3) Why don't they open up more sections of the classes?
4) Does Bright Futures realize this is happening?
5) Can we add more students to the designated small classes?
Interview:
Katie said:
1. Do you think you would take classes not needed to get hours that are required to maintain Bright Futures if you went here? No.
2. Why won’t they just open up more class? Budget cuts, maybe.
3. Does Bright Futures realize this is happening to the students? Probably, the economy is so bad they just dont have enough money.
4. How is that even fair? It's not.
5. You know if we can’t add more classes why because of teacher cuts don’t you think we should add more students to the designated small classes? The campus is too big to have smaller classes and there's not enough money to get more teachers. This TERRIBLE economy!6. How do you know what you know? (evidence) Katie knows people that are not able to sign up for the classes they need to graduate.
7. Who are you to the subject? (perspective) A victim.
8. How is this event connected to other events? (patterns or opposing forces) This event is connected to the date on which you will graduate or if you will ever graduate.
9. What if things were different? (suppositions/predictions) People would not have to be 5 year seniors or take classes bogus classes that to not apply to their major just to get enough credit hours.
10. Why is this important? (significance) This is important because it affects the time you graduate and the rest of your future if you unable to get a degree in the major you desire.
1) Does this affect your graduation date?
2) Do you take classes not needed for your major just to get the hours required to maintain Bright Futures?
3) Why don't they open up more sections of the classes?
4) Does Bright Futures realize this is happening?
5) Can we add more students to the designated small classes?
Interview:
Katie said:
1. Do you think you would take classes not needed to get hours that are required to maintain Bright Futures if you went here? No.
2. Why won’t they just open up more class? Budget cuts, maybe.
3. Does Bright Futures realize this is happening to the students? Probably, the economy is so bad they just dont have enough money.
4. How is that even fair? It's not.
5. You know if we can’t add more classes why because of teacher cuts don’t you think we should add more students to the designated small classes? The campus is too big to have smaller classes and there's not enough money to get more teachers. This TERRIBLE economy!6. How do you know what you know? (evidence) Katie knows people that are not able to sign up for the classes they need to graduate.
7. Who are you to the subject? (perspective) A victim.
8. How is this event connected to other events? (patterns or opposing forces) This event is connected to the date on which you will graduate or if you will ever graduate.
9. What if things were different? (suppositions/predictions) People would not have to be 5 year seniors or take classes bogus classes that to not apply to their major just to get enough credit hours.
10. Why is this important? (significance) This is important because it affects the time you graduate and the rest of your future if you unable to get a degree in the major you desire.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Commentary Assignment
When it comes close to class registration time students start searching My UCF for the classes they need for their required major. Once registration is open many find it difficult to find the classes they once marked as what they wanted to take. Advisors say they can’t override the system because they would have to do that to all the other students needing that class too. So students, like me, get stuck taking bogus classes they don’t need for their major.
As a victim of this problem I have been waiting since spring 2009 to have the lab of my Chemistry II class. By the time I get the class I won’t even remember what we covered in the class almost a year ago. I have talked to several professors in the science department that have said the lecture class usually has enough spots for twice the amount of spots the labs do. So this makes it a never ending cycle of people fighting for the same classes and failing to get it while the lead scholars and various other programs get first pick on their classes before everyone else.
This causes problems with being able to graduate on time or now because of the new Bright Future rules at all. Bright Future Scholarship now makes it more difficult because we need to have 12 hours a semester and they now will stop paying for your hours after you complete 4 years even if you still are waiting on the classes you were not able to get in. Not only will you not graduate in the field you desire, but you will have to change your major and start this process of hopefully someone will drop last minute to get the classes you need.
As a victim of this problem I have been waiting since spring 2009 to have the lab of my Chemistry II class. By the time I get the class I won’t even remember what we covered in the class almost a year ago. I have talked to several professors in the science department that have said the lecture class usually has enough spots for twice the amount of spots the labs do. So this makes it a never ending cycle of people fighting for the same classes and failing to get it while the lead scholars and various other programs get first pick on their classes before everyone else.
This causes problems with being able to graduate on time or now because of the new Bright Future rules at all. Bright Future Scholarship now makes it more difficult because we need to have 12 hours a semester and they now will stop paying for your hours after you complete 4 years even if you still are waiting on the classes you were not able to get in. Not only will you not graduate in the field you desire, but you will have to change your major and start this process of hopefully someone will drop last minute to get the classes you need.
Monday, September 28, 2009
3 ideas for commentary
1) How the skateboarders use the bike lane on campus.
2) How students can't sign up for classes that they need for their major.
3) How the people on bikes like to run over other students.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Friends Come and Go Memoir
After class Anthony was leaning against the brick wall across from my classroom waiting for me. When he saw me he shouted, “KELLSEY! I can’t wait to get home and get that Christmas tree tonight! Tomorrow morning I will tell you all about it!” and then ran off in the opposite direction where his mother’s car was waiting. Every day before class started I would meet with Anthony. Our classes were connecting through one door that was always kept locked unless an activity was planned, which happened rarely. Anthony was always there lined up outside the classroom before me since his mom drove him to school every day and I was a bus rider. Once I got to class we would wait outside chatting about anything that could pop in our mind before the bell would ring and we got separated until the end of the day. Anthony was taller than your average fourth grader with sparklingly blue eyes and a tan complex. His hair was golden blond and reminded me of silky rays of sun sitting on top of his head. His uniform was always perfectly pressed and fitted to the t; unlike all the other fourth grade boys. Anthony always had a giant smile of his face and knew exactly what to say when someone was feeling down. He had a great insight if someone was upset no matter how good they thought they were hiding it. He was always prepared with a joke that seemed to make all the trouble ease away. It was like he had a gift for making all the rough mornings smooth, like we were living in a perfect world. There was not one student or teacher that did not like him; he was perfect in every single way. Anthony was my best friend and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
When I got to school I couldn’t wait to find out what tree Anthony got, the size, and how he decorated it. I got to my class something but something was very different. Parents were outside the classrooms with flowers and numerous kids from the classes around had swollen eyes with tears running down. I immediately started looking for Anthony to find out what was wrong. He wasn’t anywhere in sight, so I starting asking my friends and their tears grew harder. My mind was going a hundred miles a minute and I had no idea what was going on, I just wanted to find Anthony he would make everything better as always. As my blurry vision cleared from the haze of my mind I saw Anthony’s mother, I started to approach her and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was the one receiving all the flowers and something had happened to Anthony. I stood there stunned telling myself that nothing happened to him and this was all a bad dream. I started pinching myself but nothing would wake me from this horrible dream. I felt someone pulling at my arm and taking me into my classroom room, it was my teacher. She took me to the corner, sat me down, and began saying, “Kellsey, I know Anthony and you were very close, but something happened. Last night when Anthony’s family was driving to get a Christmas tree there was an accident. Anthony didn’t make it.” I couldn’t breathe, I felt like I was drowning in a waterless ocean. Tears starting rolling down my face as I was gasping for air. How could this happened to such a wonderful kid, it wasn’t fair and I wouldn’t believe it. Maybe someone was playing a sick April Fool’s joke on us, but it was December and my heart wouldn’t let me believe that Anthony would only remain in my memories.
The rest of the day the connecting door was open and everyone was paying our respects to Anthony’s mother. She told us stories of him growing up and how he loved everyone of us just like we were family. We went around in a circle and starting sharing our memories of Anthony with her. I let her know how he always had a smile on his face and could light up anyone’s day with only a couple of words. A couple of kids were telling his mom the jokes that Anthony had used to make them feel better when they were in a rough spot. At the end of class my teacher shouted out, “How do vampire football players get the mud off?” we all replied back in unison, “They all get in the bat tub,” it was the joke Anthony loved to tell. I actually had a smile on my face and was laughing at the joke just like Anthony had intended. Our class felt like a family and Anthony’s memories had brought us closer together. All the cliques had broken down that day and the enemies had become friends. We were all one group now because of Anthony.
When I got on the bus for the ride home I was actually happy. I just sat there the whole ride to my stop thinking of all the wonderful chances I had with Anthony, glad that he was in my life. When I was approaching my stop I saw my mother’s car in the distance. My mother and I got along like mice and cats. When the bus stopped I walked slowly off trying to think of what I did wrong. When I was fully off the steps my mother came running up to me and hugged me the tightest she ever had. She kept repeating, “I love you and I always will! Please don’t ever leave me,” as tears were rolling down her cheeks. The whole walk back to the car her arm was around me and she was constantly kissing my forehead. When we got in the car we sat there for hours as I told her about Anthony. She already knew about the accident, but wanted to know about his life and what he was like. I told her everything including the new things I had learned today from his mother and my personal experiences including his signature joke, “How do vampire football players get mud the off.” She told me that she wished she would have meet him and promised she would take a more active role in my life and get to know everyone that I cared about. To this day my mother has kept her promise. I may have lost a best friend, but the same day I gained a new one.
When I got to school I couldn’t wait to find out what tree Anthony got, the size, and how he decorated it. I got to my class something but something was very different. Parents were outside the classrooms with flowers and numerous kids from the classes around had swollen eyes with tears running down. I immediately started looking for Anthony to find out what was wrong. He wasn’t anywhere in sight, so I starting asking my friends and their tears grew harder. My mind was going a hundred miles a minute and I had no idea what was going on, I just wanted to find Anthony he would make everything better as always. As my blurry vision cleared from the haze of my mind I saw Anthony’s mother, I started to approach her and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was the one receiving all the flowers and something had happened to Anthony. I stood there stunned telling myself that nothing happened to him and this was all a bad dream. I started pinching myself but nothing would wake me from this horrible dream. I felt someone pulling at my arm and taking me into my classroom room, it was my teacher. She took me to the corner, sat me down, and began saying, “Kellsey, I know Anthony and you were very close, but something happened. Last night when Anthony’s family was driving to get a Christmas tree there was an accident. Anthony didn’t make it.” I couldn’t breathe, I felt like I was drowning in a waterless ocean. Tears starting rolling down my face as I was gasping for air. How could this happened to such a wonderful kid, it wasn’t fair and I wouldn’t believe it. Maybe someone was playing a sick April Fool’s joke on us, but it was December and my heart wouldn’t let me believe that Anthony would only remain in my memories.
The rest of the day the connecting door was open and everyone was paying our respects to Anthony’s mother. She told us stories of him growing up and how he loved everyone of us just like we were family. We went around in a circle and starting sharing our memories of Anthony with her. I let her know how he always had a smile on his face and could light up anyone’s day with only a couple of words. A couple of kids were telling his mom the jokes that Anthony had used to make them feel better when they were in a rough spot. At the end of class my teacher shouted out, “How do vampire football players get the mud off?” we all replied back in unison, “They all get in the bat tub,” it was the joke Anthony loved to tell. I actually had a smile on my face and was laughing at the joke just like Anthony had intended. Our class felt like a family and Anthony’s memories had brought us closer together. All the cliques had broken down that day and the enemies had become friends. We were all one group now because of Anthony.
When I got on the bus for the ride home I was actually happy. I just sat there the whole ride to my stop thinking of all the wonderful chances I had with Anthony, glad that he was in my life. When I was approaching my stop I saw my mother’s car in the distance. My mother and I got along like mice and cats. When the bus stopped I walked slowly off trying to think of what I did wrong. When I was fully off the steps my mother came running up to me and hugged me the tightest she ever had. She kept repeating, “I love you and I always will! Please don’t ever leave me,” as tears were rolling down her cheeks. The whole walk back to the car her arm was around me and she was constantly kissing my forehead. When we got in the car we sat there for hours as I told her about Anthony. She already knew about the accident, but wanted to know about his life and what he was like. I told her everything including the new things I had learned today from his mother and my personal experiences including his signature joke, “How do vampire football players get mud the off.” She told me that she wished she would have meet him and promised she would take a more active role in my life and get to know everyone that I cared about. To this day my mother has kept her promise. I may have lost a best friend, but the same day I gained a new one.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Memoir Draft
Every day before class started I would meet with my friend Anthony. Our classes were connecting through one door that was always kept locked unless an activity was planned, which happened rarely. Anthony was always there lined up outside the classroom before me since his mom drove him to school every day and I was a bus rider. Once I got to class we would wait outside chatting about anything that could pop in our mind before the bell would ring and we got separated until the end of the day. Anthony was taller than your average fourth grader with sparklingly blue eyes and a tan complex. His hair was golden blond and reminded me of silky rays of sun sitting on top of his head. His uniform was always perfectly pressed and fitted to the t; unlike all the other fourth grade boys. Anthony always had a giant smile of his face and knew exactly what to say when someone was feeling down. He had a great insight if someone was upset no matter how good they thought they were hiding it. He was always prepared with a joke that seemed to make all the trouble ease away. It was like he had a gift for making all the rough mornings smooth, like we were living in a perfect world. There was not one student or teacher that did not like him; he was perfect in every single way. Anthony was my best friend and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
When I got to my class something was different. Parents were outside the classrooms with flowers and numerous kids from the classes around had swollen eyes with tears running down. I immediately started looking for Anthony to find out what was wrong. He wasn’t anywhere in sight, so I starting asking my friends and their tears grew harder. My mind was going a hundred miles a minute and I had no idea what was going on, I just wanted to find Anthony he would make everything better as always. As my blurry vision cleared from the haze of my mind I saw Anthony’s mother, I started to approach her and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was the one receiving all the flowers and something had happened to Anthony. I stood there stunned telling myself that nothing happened to him and this was all a bad dream. I started pinching myself but nothing would wake me from this horrible dream. I felt someone pulling at my arm and taking me into my classroom room, it was my teacher. She took me to the corner, sat me down, and began saying, “Kellsey, I know Anthony and you were very close, but something happened. Last night when Anthony’s family was driving to get a Christmas tree there was an accident. Anthony did make it.” I couldn’t breathe, I felt like I was drowning in a waterless ocean. Tears starting rolling down my face as I was gasping for air. How could of this happened to such a wonderful kid, it wasn’t fair and I wouldn’t believe it. Maybe someone was playing a sick April Fool’s joke on us, but it was December and my heart wouldn’t let me believe that Anthony would only remain in my memories.
The rest of the day the connecting door was open and everyone was paying our respects to Anthony’s mother. She told us stories of him growing up and how he loved everyone of just like we were family. We went around in a circle and starting sharing our memories of Anthony with her. I let her know how he always had a smile on his face and could light up anyone’s day with only a couple of words. A couple of kids were saying a couple of the jokes that Anthony had used to make them feel better when they were in a rough spot. I actually had a smile on my face and was laughing at the jokes just like Anthony had intended. Our class felt like a family and Anthony’s memories had brought us closer together. All the cliques had broken down that day and the enemies had become friends. We were all one group now because of Anthony.
When I got on the bus for the ride home I was actually happy. I just sat the whole ride to my stop thinking of all the wonder chances I had with Anthony glad I was he was in my life. When I was approaching my stop I was my mother’s car in the distance. My mother and I got along like mice and cats. When the bus stopped I walked slowly off trying to think of what I did wrong. When I was fully off the steps my mother came running up to me and hugged me the tightest she had ever. She kept repeat, “I love you and I never will you please don’t ever leave me,” as tears were rolling down her cheeks. The whole walk back to the car her arm was around me and she was constantly kissing my forehead. When we got in the car we sat there for hours as I told her about Anthony. She already knew about the accident, but wanted to know about his life and what he was like. I told her everything including the new things I had learned today from his mother and my personal experiences. She told me that she wished she would have meet him and promised she would take a more active role in my life and get to know everyone that I cared about. To this day my mother has kept her promise. I may have lost a best friend, but the same day I gained a new one.
When I got to my class something was different. Parents were outside the classrooms with flowers and numerous kids from the classes around had swollen eyes with tears running down. I immediately started looking for Anthony to find out what was wrong. He wasn’t anywhere in sight, so I starting asking my friends and their tears grew harder. My mind was going a hundred miles a minute and I had no idea what was going on, I just wanted to find Anthony he would make everything better as always. As my blurry vision cleared from the haze of my mind I saw Anthony’s mother, I started to approach her and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was the one receiving all the flowers and something had happened to Anthony. I stood there stunned telling myself that nothing happened to him and this was all a bad dream. I started pinching myself but nothing would wake me from this horrible dream. I felt someone pulling at my arm and taking me into my classroom room, it was my teacher. She took me to the corner, sat me down, and began saying, “Kellsey, I know Anthony and you were very close, but something happened. Last night when Anthony’s family was driving to get a Christmas tree there was an accident. Anthony did make it.” I couldn’t breathe, I felt like I was drowning in a waterless ocean. Tears starting rolling down my face as I was gasping for air. How could of this happened to such a wonderful kid, it wasn’t fair and I wouldn’t believe it. Maybe someone was playing a sick April Fool’s joke on us, but it was December and my heart wouldn’t let me believe that Anthony would only remain in my memories.
The rest of the day the connecting door was open and everyone was paying our respects to Anthony’s mother. She told us stories of him growing up and how he loved everyone of just like we were family. We went around in a circle and starting sharing our memories of Anthony with her. I let her know how he always had a smile on his face and could light up anyone’s day with only a couple of words. A couple of kids were saying a couple of the jokes that Anthony had used to make them feel better when they were in a rough spot. I actually had a smile on my face and was laughing at the jokes just like Anthony had intended. Our class felt like a family and Anthony’s memories had brought us closer together. All the cliques had broken down that day and the enemies had become friends. We were all one group now because of Anthony.
When I got on the bus for the ride home I was actually happy. I just sat the whole ride to my stop thinking of all the wonder chances I had with Anthony glad I was he was in my life. When I was approaching my stop I was my mother’s car in the distance. My mother and I got along like mice and cats. When the bus stopped I walked slowly off trying to think of what I did wrong. When I was fully off the steps my mother came running up to me and hugged me the tightest she had ever. She kept repeat, “I love you and I never will you please don’t ever leave me,” as tears were rolling down her cheeks. The whole walk back to the car her arm was around me and she was constantly kissing my forehead. When we got in the car we sat there for hours as I told her about Anthony. She already knew about the accident, but wanted to know about his life and what he was like. I told her everything including the new things I had learned today from his mother and my personal experiences. She told me that she wished she would have meet him and promised she would take a more active role in my life and get to know everyone that I cared about. To this day my mother has kept her promise. I may have lost a best friend, but the same day I gained a new one.
Memo Assignment
To: Professor Moody
From: Kellsey Bishop
Date: September 15, 2009
RE: Feedback from peer review
I am writing to you this in regarding the feedback from my peer review. I am going to incorporate the ideas suggested by my fellow student reviewing my introduction I had previously written. The corrections include some grammatical mistakes and adding more details in my introduction allowing the reader to know that my friend Anthony I was writing about had passed away rather than keeping it a surprise until the end. Also I have taken some of their suggestions in going about finishing my memoir. Instead of just listing of the events that took place that day, I am letting the audience read it through my eyes. This way I will give better details in depth by showing it through my eyes. Hope I will be able to accomplish my goal that the reader is not just reading the story but feels as if he or she is there willing everything is happening.
I am also going to look closely at the rubric show to us today in class, which is linked on your blog page and try to follow the best ratings as close as possible. This way my writing skills will improve and my memoir will be the best it can be rather than just free writing without looking at any guidelines. The rubric will always give me better insight on how to use more details and visuals in my memoir rather than just the bare minimum.
As a result of using the feedback from the peer review and completely understanding the rubric given for the memoir assignment, I feel that my memoir should be headed in the right direction. By adding better details and more insight on how everything passed through me it will give more signifance to the event that took place in fourth grade and how it shaped the relationships I have today. Also by following the guidelines in the rubric and understanding them it will help me develop in a better writer for not only this assignment, but future papers that will be assigned throughout my life.
From: Kellsey Bishop
Date: September 15, 2009
RE: Feedback from peer review
I am writing to you this in regarding the feedback from my peer review. I am going to incorporate the ideas suggested by my fellow student reviewing my introduction I had previously written. The corrections include some grammatical mistakes and adding more details in my introduction allowing the reader to know that my friend Anthony I was writing about had passed away rather than keeping it a surprise until the end. Also I have taken some of their suggestions in going about finishing my memoir. Instead of just listing of the events that took place that day, I am letting the audience read it through my eyes. This way I will give better details in depth by showing it through my eyes. Hope I will be able to accomplish my goal that the reader is not just reading the story but feels as if he or she is there willing everything is happening.
I am also going to look closely at the rubric show to us today in class, which is linked on your blog page and try to follow the best ratings as close as possible. This way my writing skills will improve and my memoir will be the best it can be rather than just free writing without looking at any guidelines. The rubric will always give me better insight on how to use more details and visuals in my memoir rather than just the bare minimum.
As a result of using the feedback from the peer review and completely understanding the rubric given for the memoir assignment, I feel that my memoir should be headed in the right direction. By adding better details and more insight on how everything passed through me it will give more signifance to the event that took place in fourth grade and how it shaped the relationships I have today. Also by following the guidelines in the rubric and understanding them it will help me develop in a better writer for not only this assignment, but future papers that will be assigned throughout my life.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Introduction
Everyday before class started I would meet with my friend Anthony. Our classes were connecting through one door that was always kept locked unless an activity was planned, which happened rarely. Anthony was always there lined up outside the classroom before me since his mom drove him to school everyday and I was a bus rider. Once I got to class we would wait outside chatting about anything that could pop in our mind before the bell would ring and we got separated until the end of the day. Anthony was taller than your average fourth grader with sparklingly blue eyes and a tan complex. His hair was golden blond and reminded me of silky rays of sun sitting on top of his head. His uniform was always perfectly pressed and fitted to the t; unlike all the other fourth grade boys. Anthony always had a giant smile of his face and knew exactly what to say when someone was feeling down. He had a great insight if someone was upset no matter how good they thought they were hiding it. He was always prepared with a joke that seemed to make all the trouble ease away. It was like he had a gift for making all the rough mornings smooth, like we were living in a perfect world. There was not one student or teacher that did not like him; he was perfect in every single way. Anthony was my best friend and I wouldn't of had it any other way.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Three potential ideas
1) Every year my family has thanksgiving at my grandparents house. One year when all the cousins were of age to start understanding rules we were given an important one that if broken punishment would be unbearable. This rule was "Children should be seen and not heard." This rule has shaped the way I act presently when at a dinner or any gathering.
Focus: On the rule "Children should be seen and not heard"
Significance: How this rule as made a social barrier now.
2) I woke up just thinking it would be another regular morning in fourth grade. I did the usual, walked to the bus stop and waited for the bus to arrive. When I arrived to school the classroom next store to mine had kids with flowers and tears streaming from their eyes, I didn't understand. When I went over to see what was wrong I as informed that my friend Anthony had died in a car accident yesterday. I was frozen in that spot crying, my teach had to pull me away my class. It wasn't fair. The rest of the day my mind was in a blur with the rest of the students. My teacher stopped all the lesson for that day and let us reminisce on Anthony. That day our class felt more like a family and had grown a lot closer. When I arrived home my mother was at the bus stop waiting, which a rare thing, I got off the bus and she hugged me so tight. She told me that she loved me and she didn't know what she would do if I was ever to disappear on her. After that moment our relationship began to grow closer and she was at the bus stop everyday after.
Focus: The loss of a friend.
Significance: Out of the tragedy came closer bonds with family and friends.
3) At the end of the school year in fourth grade 5 kids from every class where chosen to become a safety patrol. Being chosen as a safety patrol was the equivalent as finding the holy grail. I ended up being one of those 5 kids and was able to vote for the captain of patrols. I told my close friends and numerous other kids that if they put my name down with theirs and another I would do the same. Of course I couldn't keep up this bargain as of we could only choose three people to nominate. The next day I found out that there was a tie for captain and they were holding another vote. When we all came to the room to sit down to vote I noticed that my name was there along with a boy named Michael. We once again voted and I had a gut feeling I wasn't going to win this time. At the end of the day the boy Michael came over to me and told me that I had won and sure enough the next day I was announced as captain of the safety patrols.
Focus: The leadership role that I played.
Significance: By being the captain I gained confidence in my self.
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